If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
