Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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