literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
