sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
