you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
