'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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