I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
