Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
