So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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