I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
