sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
