Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
