Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
