Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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