i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
