...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
