***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
