I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
