how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
