seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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