All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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