So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
