I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dear god my vagina.
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