How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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