I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
