he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
