In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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