I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Please don't give away my fajitas
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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