Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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