I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
