just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
