I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
