my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
NoShamevember. You game?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
