I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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