Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
