someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just threw up on my dentist
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
