oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
