he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
