I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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