he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
