I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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