The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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