Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
