im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
