I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Two words: blizzard sex
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
