I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
