please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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