don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
