So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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