Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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