i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
